Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Exculsive! Bigfoot sighted in Worcester

Leigh and Bransford Badgers - Exclusive! Bigfoot sighted in Worcester


It was a cold, cold afternoon in the barren fields of Oldbury. The wind whistled forlornly through the bare winter trees. Wolves howled, again...but this time it was a duet with Harry Redknapp. Something stirred in the undergrowth. The spectators looked at each other nervously as a low growl could be heard in the foliage just beyond the touchline. Suddenly an enormous hairy beast broke cover and lumbered towards the pitch, the crowd scattered, screams echoed around the wilderness. One woman stood tall in that moment of terror...our very own damsel of the defence, the supermodel of the substitution...Mandy faced the monster alone and unaided...a deep voice boomed through the air..."HAVE YOU SEEN THE BALL?", "Yes pet" came the reply "it's over there". "THANK YOU!" The monster plodded off in search of it's dinner ball. We had just witnessed the creature that was the Oldbury central midfielder...at least he was polite...


Big-foot
Nasty Nige's latest signing
Many tales have been told about the age and size of the Oldbury team (A New Season - A New Hope) but no one could have expected that they would have grown another six inches each in the last five months. It is always bad news when the opposition players are taller than thier coaches so I asked my old pal John Simpson of the BBC to take on the most dangerous of tasks, that of interviewing Nasty Nige and his players before kick-off. Bare in mind John spends most of his time in Afghanistan or Iraq being bombed and shot at but even he had to take a deep breath before facing this duty...


 John Simpson
Here we are in Oldbury to investigate the rumours that Nasty Nige's players have undergone an intensive course of growth hormones since last September and that they are all now at least two metres tall...Nigel, what have you to say about these rumours?
Nasty Nige
Complete rubbish John! Just take a look at my lads and you can see that they are all obviously under 13...

John Simpson
Does that include the one getting his son to give his beard a trim to reduce drag before the match starts?

              
He’s just well-developed for his age…

John Simpson
And the one who has just driven into the car park with ‘Oldbury Oldies U13 Football Team' on the side of his van?
Nasty Nige
He’s just big boned…
John Simpson
And the one who makes ‘Cousin It’ look like ‘Duncan Goodhew’ (one for mums and dads there…)
Nasty Nige
He just has a fashionable hairstyle…
John Simpson
        
Nigel, I put it to you that your team are in fact the Worcester branch of the Premiership Understudies Footballers Club and that you have a fanatical obsession with winning league 2.
Nasty Nige
NEVER! You’ll NEVER proove that I will do anything to win the league or that I have had my team planted in Grow-bags for the last five months…NEVER I tell you!
John Simpson
 ???
Nasty Nige
Sorry about that, it just happens sometimes. WEY HEY! Pwwwarrrpppp! I’ll ‘ave ‘im in a minute!
John Simpson
Let’s speak to some of the team. Erm...Young…man? Can you tell me how long you have been playing for the Oldies?
Shrek
Well, since the kids have grown up and left the swamp I have had some time to myself and decided to take up football. Nige has been very nice to me and promised not to hurt Puss as long as I just continue to tell everyone that I’m 12.
John Simpson
And how old are you in reality?
Shrek
47
John Simpson
Hmmmm, interesting, bad news for Puss I suspect...  And you sir? How long have you been with the Oldies
Bernard
Many, many years. Since the Carry-on films finished in fact.
John Simpson
But your last Carry-on was ‘Carry-on Behind’ in 1975! That would make you at least 65 years old?
Bernard
No, no. I am only 13! My wives will tell you…
John Simpson
Quite. I don’t think I dare ask…but you…son? How long have you been with the Oldies?
Rey
Only since December…The WWA allowed me to sign for Nige.
John Simpson
WWA? The World Wrestling Alliance?
Rey
No, don’t be a schmuck! It’s The Worcester Worried Adolescents.
John Simpson
Well, there you have it nothing suspicious here at all. Let’s hope for a fair game and that none of the coaches are taken out by six foot monsters with too much body hair…
I suppose I had better do a quick match report... 
You could feel the pitch vibrate as the Oldies began the game. Their enormous feet pounded the field in search of a gap in the Rovers defense but once again, as they have done all season, the back four have held firm. I'm sure I spotted the Oldies number 21 in The Royal Oak on Saturday night...anyway he decided to take Mandy out (and not in a good way). He flew straight over the touch line and flattened her. He did issue an apology as he bounded away which is more than can be said for the referee...He couldn't even be bothered to ask Mandy if she was okay. He simply mumbled something about the 'Respect' line and wandered off...Respect is a two way process mate... young people today...no manners.

Anyway back to the game. Liam, Josh and Arron had their work cut out keeping the hulks at bay but Rovers did manage an attack or two early on in the shape of Jacob, James and Alfie but just as last week the finish was not there. More good defending from Connor and Ben out on the left wing. Rovers win a free kick deep in the Oldies half after Alfie was flattened by a Yeti (or possibly the right midfielder). Matty G's attempt is just wide but at least it wins us a corner. Will launches the kick high over the box but it's cleared away by the Oldies defense. It's the turn of the Oldies to attack again, this time resulting in a neat save by Ali.

Oldies numbers 14 and 16 have to stop for a shave as their beards are interfering with play...

Shaving

James is on the attack again with Alfie and Jake closed behind but he's crushed by yet another six footer. Alfie has a go and gets past three static defenders and then passes to James who just can't quite finish the move.

A thundering run down the right wing is stopped in it's tracks by Liam but he's unable to stop the ball going out for a throw to the Oldies. Enter the next member of the Oldies to take the throw...I've seen windmills with shorter arms...

Monkey arms

Meanwhile back at the Rovers end of the pitch Josh is refusing to be bullied by the Oldies number 20, who is incidentally being cheered on by his kids, as he calmly steers the ball into touch. The subsequent throw is intercepted by Will who lays the ball into the path of an accelerating James who has a shot from distance that is juggled by the Oldie keeper. The keeper drop-kicks in to the middle of the pitch where it's picked up by Arron passed through to Jacob who is bundled off the ball but wins a corner. Matt G takes a short-corner with the assistance of Alfie and hammers a shot just wide of the post. Rovers are finally getting the measure of their towering tormentors and the pressure is on the Oldies back line. James, Jacob and Josh combine to line up a shot for Alfie that has the Oldie keeper wetting himself. More pressure from the Rovers is brought up short when James is felled in the box...but there is no whistle...the bad news increases as Arron scores his first of the season...it's an absolute corker bashed straight past the keeper even though the sun was in his eyes...it's just a shame that the keeper was Ali. Don't worry mate! you are in good company most of the Rovers have 'owned' one at one time or another.

Half time finally arrives...

The changes are rung, Russ, Martin and Mandy (still sore but standing) decide that drastic measures are needed. Dan T, Luke and Dan W are brought on to toughen up the defense a little. Things start well as Dan T and Luke combine to take down attacking giant. Dan W is in his element...enormous attackers charging at him with the thought that 'this guys will be easy to beat'...wrong! Oldies No 8 is so scared after a run in with the Beast that he is calling for his mum (only his daughter responds however). Ali gets in on the act by not only saving the ball but two attackers at the same time (now that's class). However the ref doesn't think so and awards a penalty. This lot seem to be the Man Utd of this league as the ref always seems to be on their side but ...it matters not. Ali saves the spot kick and all is well.

The end of the game is near now but still Rovers try to be more physical. Dan T takes down 'Big foot', Dan W is terrorising the Oldies front two and Josh is still running rings around his taller opponents. Matt G has a punt and is followed up by James. Liam clears up in defense before passing to Luke, Luke to Jacob, Jacob to James, James to Ben (James has just passed...blink, blink) Ben to Josh who shoots, just wide. 

That's it, it's all over. The deep bass voices of the Oldies male-voice choir boom out over the pitch, mixed with primeval grunts from various other squad members. Only the thin soprano of Nasty Nige can be heard above the din...

Ali was deservedly named man of the match for his efforts between the sticks and delivering justice in the wake of a dubious penalty.

This weeks mention in dispatches goes to Jacob. He really does deserve a medal today after standing up to players that are at least twice his size. He did not give up at any point in the match and ran and ran until his legs must have been like lead. Top effort.

We shall meet again Nasty Nige...

Ron



1 comment:

  1. well; i agree, they did look a tad big !!

    ReplyDelete