Monday, March 5, 2012

Those boys took one hell of a beating...

How typical is that? you spend half your life adding imaginative copy to this blog to educate, motivate and cajole then you turn your back for two minutes and the boys go and win! There's nothing else really to say but...

Mandy has provided the detail of this weeks match report and I've added some speculative waffle based on how the boys have played this season. I'll waste no more of your time...Here we go:

After what I can only assume would be some exceptional build up play involving some accurate passing, hard tackling, imaginative ball control and leading to an inspired through-ball to James 'Chips better than a Maris Piper' Henry who scores the first goal. He produces a lovely chip (with is LEFT foot) over the goalie. What else can you say but 'Malvern stunned'.

1 - 0 to Rovers
If anyone was going to take on board what the coaches said last week it's going to be Jacob 'The brains of the operation' Gillibrand. Yet another period of concerted pressure by the Rovers midfield and forwards leads to a corner. The lesson has been well learned from Martyn's comments last week...but this time it's scoring not defending...


"Every time there’s corner no one is standing up and getting their head on the ball before the opposition can knock it in. Until someone does the goals will keep coming".

Guess what Martyn? (you have earned that smug grin)...Jacob was listening as he scores the second goal by neatly turning it in from a corner. Silence from the Malvern contingent - and, to quote Mandy directly...


"To be fair from us as well but that was just shock".

2-0 up at half time. What a performance! We need a heavyweight endorsement...

Who are ya!
That's right Mr Churchill...2-0 to the Rovers
and then the team talk followed:


 'I haven't got anything to say'.

Mandy'I haven't got anything to say'.


'I haven't got anything to say'. 

History has been made...When you stun your coaches into silence boys you know you are playing well...enough said. Back to the match.

The boys were back on the pitch before the ref. had even finished his half-time hot chocolate. Do I detect a touch of Mandy's coaching style?


"Get stuck-in!...use your shoulders! ! tackle hard! TAKE NO PRISONERS!!! CHARGE!!!!!!"

The Malvern coach is obviously a friend of the St John's coach judging by the shouting in the second half. I detect the panic that constant Rovers pressure is applying...

Two minutes after the re-start, Alfie 'The short corner specialist' Newman dinks the goalie (he had been threatening for a while). Disaster! the wind catches a Malvern cross and it floats in to the top corner. If luck is the only way they can score then that shows how well you are playing. Do our heads go down?  No chance.

Malvern just can't get the ball. Another shot by James turned away for a corner. Matty 'Golden boot' Griffin and Alfie 'told you' Newman try a short one (as practised about 3 million times) - it works! as Matty G blasts one past the goalie.

You might not be able to manage Chelsea Andreas but at least you can count. That's 3
James has a one-on-one with the goalie and had a shot "You keep telling me to shoot!", but it is saved by the goalies face - ouch! Malvern score a consolation goal but there is only 1 minute left (and it felt like an hour).

Connor 'That's mine thank-you very much' Porter-Brown played a blinder as sub goalie. So much so that at the end of the match he said to Russ "Did I scare you during the game?" to which Russ replied "Nowhere near as much as you usually do!". Well played big C...

Liam 'The defensive dynamo' Wood bossed the back four continuously.
Dan 'The Beast' Watson and Arron 'The monster' Manton marshaled the wings.
Matty 'No one gets past me' Waldren covered Connor at the back with is well-timed headers and well placed sized 20 feet.
Luke 'Cool foot' Painter was calm and in charge in the middle.
Ben 'Taking it all in his stride' James was in complete control on the left.
Jacob, Matty G and Alfie controlled the centre of the park.
James made some good runs but usually ended in him being bundled over (as that was the only way to stop him).

Man of the Match was given to Matt G for making the Malvern goalie wet his pants


This week Mention in Dispatches goes to the parent who (shall remain anonymous but supports Wigan) who couldn't bear to watch and didn't emerge from the car until 5 minutes from the end.

The last word has to go to Bjorge Lillelien...bare with me on this...Back in 1981 Norway beat England 2-1 to stop us qualifying for the world cup but his commentary was the stuff of legend...take a listen.

Your boys took one hell of a beating!

I have taken the liberty of adjusting his sentiment slightly to honour the occasion...

"We are the best in the league! We are the best in the league! We have beaten Malvern 3-2 in football!! It is completely unbelievable! We have beaten Malvern! Malvern, home of giants. Charles Dyson Perrins, Haile Selassie, Charles Morgan, Edward Elgar, Graeme Hick, Anne Diamond, Cher Lloyd - we have beaten them all. We have beaten them all.

"Nasty Nige from Oldbury can you hear me? Nasty Nige, I have a message for you in the middle of the league campaign. I have a message for you: We have have beaten Malvern in the league. Nasty Nige , as they say in your language in the boxing bars around Witherspoons in Great Malvern: Those boys took a hell of a beating! Those boys took a hell of a beating!"

Nice one lads


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